The Memories of a Dementalist
by Manholes
Summary: This story will contain a lot of things that is yet to know. But there will be an unfortunate Englishman in search of tea when there is none to find.


Warnings: A bit yucky and rated T for a reason, not written by a person with English as first language and lots of randomness

* * *

Small hands caught the brittle twig before it could make contact with the grass. The fairy flew a short distance and watched the rose twig join many others in the compost as she let it fall.

"Thank you for helping me out Hrodohaidis!" the blonde man equipped with a bypass pruner exclaimed cheerfully "These Tudor Roses were in real need of pruning."

"Oh, you know I love helping you look after your roses Arthur! Your garden is so lovely!" she chirped and flew in circles around his head.

"Yes, It's a pity I don't have time to come out here so often, this place is so difficult get to!"

It really was a shame; the garden was nearly as old as him and filled with to the brim with beautiful English roses. The smell of the delicate flowers was strong but not at all overwhelming and the buzzing of bumblebees mixed pleasantly with the chatting of the rose fairies. The only thing missing was a steaming cup of Earl Gray. He wiped the sweat of his forehead, smudging it with soil in the process. He would be in a real need for a shower when he got home.

But before he could get home he had to get on his bicycle again and peddle for over an hour on a bumpy path through the forest. That's why he didn't come here so often anymore, he had gotten used to the convenience of riding a car everywhere he went.

That was a later problem though because it was three o'clock and definitely teatime. He cut a last sprig of the bush right above the bud, thanked the fairies and stood up, stretching his aching back. Yep, definitely teatime.

_You bring the sunshine, I'll bring the good times…_

He startled at the sudden voice emerging from his pocket and quickly hauled up his cell phone.

"Arthur Kirkland" the Brit answered in a robotic manner.

"You don't need to answer that when someone calls on your cell Iggy, I know what number I dialled!" a booming voice answered and Arthur held the phone at a distance trying to spare his ears.

"Well it's proper manners and the one calling should certainly announce himself, Alfred," he snorted.

"Well you knew it was me! Anyways, I need to borrow your bike like right now!" the American exclaimed impatiently, again too loud for Arthur's ears' taste.

"I thought you already owned a bicycle?" He was suspicious even at the American's more innocent plans since from experience since they somehow always got out of hand.

"I…kind of trashed it when I tried to imitate something I saw on YouTube. It nearly worked too! I was so awesome!" his voice rose a pitch with excitement while he tried to explain just how heroic he had been. The man in the rose garden just rolled his eyes and Hrodohaidis tried to stifle a giggle with her pixie hands. Alfred just kept on talking. "…you just had to be there! And now I really don't have time to speak anymore I'm in a rush. I'll explain later!"

"My bicycle happens to be with me quite far from where you are so I don't thi-" he was cut off by a someone screaming at the top of his lungs from somewhere outside the gates to the garden.

"I'LL BE TAKING THIS THEN! BYE IGGY AND THANKS FOR THE RIDE TONY!" Arthur could just stare as Alfred took off on his bike waving at him and the small spaceship that hovered over the garden's entrance. The fairies had scattered and left him alone in the garden, startled by the sudden intruders.

Alfred had just stolen his bicycle. Why had he been in such a hurry and why on earth did he need a bike so bad? You never knew with the American. Whatever reason he had he would get a blooming scolding when he found the rascal, he needed that bike.

He looked up at the spaceship frowning, why wasn't it leaving? Suddenly it moved towards the small stone cottage standing further back in the garden; the cottage containing his beloved tea. The British man took a step in that direction but stopped in his tracks when the saucer suddenly opened a hatch underneath it. From the gaping hole dropped a huge round stone. Arthur watched as in slow motion how it fell aiming precisely at the end of the little house that contained his small kitchen. It smashed through the roof with an ear splitting bang. Arthur didn't have time to reflect on what just had happened before another even louder noise threatened to deprive him from his hearing. In an enormous cloud of smoke and flames throwing him backwards his gas stove exploded leaving the cottage a sad smoking, black ruin.

The spacecraft did a triumphant loop and a speaker voice declared in a shrill voice that he was a fucking limey and deserved that asteroid-pupu and took off.

Arthur could just stare at the devastation. Couldn't that bloody Yankee choose his friends a little more carefully? Then he realised something; his tea had been in that house. He had no bicycle and no tea. He kicked a piece of a piece of burnt chair in frustration and cursed under his breath.

After some more kicking and cursing he decided that it wasn't a very gentlemanly behaviour and the only thing left was to start walking. The Brit said his goodbyes to the empty garden in case the startled fairies where in hearing range and began to wander down the narrow path snaking its way through the forest.

He had walked for about an hour and a half when he came upon a fork in the road and decided to take a new road. By now he wasn't very far from civilisation so it couldn't really get him lost and he knew the usual path didn't lead to tea for at least another hour. The man hurried through the murky wood for about another quarter wishing intently that the road somehow would take him to a tea serving place, and maybe a place where he could eat too because he was beginning to feel a little peckish. The bushes to his right suddenly rustled making him start. He tensed as a large animal revealed itself from the vegetation. He instantly relaxed when he saw who it was though; his unicorn friend Bernie. The horned horse lowered its head and neighed gently as a greeting and Arthur stroked him along his nose. The blond then moved his hand to the white spiralling horn and instantly a flow of words became audible in his head.

"You were wishing so loudly I could here you from miles away!" the voice exclaimed "If you want tea fate have shown me just how you might obtain it."

"You know where I can find tea? That would be so helpful Bernie!" he replied without a thought and sighed smiling at his friend.

"Indeed, you just have to dress up in these clothes and fate will reveal the next step for you." The unicorn took a step back and tapped the tea craving man on his forehead with the tip of its white horn. Arthur felt a certain coldness wash over him starting at the point where he had been touched; like someone had poured cold water on him. It quickly passed though and he opened his eyes that he had closed unconsciously at the sensation. The unicorn had gone and he was alone in the silence again. He felt a cold breeze pass over his thighs and shivered, had it been this cold a moment ago? The Brit looked down on himself and froze in shock at the sight; his normal green suit had been replaced with a very revealing waiter's outfit. In fact it was only a short apron like garment that left his behind wholly unprotected and a ribbon around his neck.

"BEEEERNIE!" the half naked man screamed with panic creeping into his voice when no answer was to be heard. "Bloody fucking incompetent bastards, is everyone here today to screw me over?" he exclaimed and then taking a deep breath he tried to calm himself down. He was practically naked alone in the forest hungry and tea deprived, at least it couldn't get worse, right? Oh god, this had to be the worst day of his life, and it was all that bleeding Yankee's fault. If he saw him now he would probably rip his eyes out and stomp on them and then serve them to him in a cucumber sandwich. The blond started walking again to distract himself from his irritation, distributing kicks to all innocent pebbles and sticks that happened to be in his way.

The dark forest suddenly gave way to a small settlement that he had never visited before. The houses were old and of stone like in many old English villages and had a serene feeling. Hiding behind a tree the man clad in a sexy waiter's outfit examined his surroundings. Further down the street he saw stores and people going about their business in what seemed to be the town's centre. A huge McDonald's sign reminded him of the one responsible for his predicament, his frown deepened and he turned away. On his side of the street there was a calmer restaurant and Arthur's stomach rumbled when the scent of food reached his nose. Maybe he could sneak in the back way, grab some food perhaps a pair of clothes and a cup of tea? It didn't sound like a very good plan but he was quite desperate.

As is turned out sneaking in wasn't very difficult at all, a door on the restaurant's side was wide open to let in some fresh air and there were currently no guests. He walked into the empty room; it was richly decorated with thick draping curtains and candlesticks. He flinched at the sudden sound of footsteps and dove for cover under a mahogany table with a protecting white tablecloth. Apparently the place had just opened because now guests were streaming in from the front doors. Bullocks, this was bad. Now he was practically naked and trapped under a table in a foreign village and on top of that he was hungry and craving tea so bad now he was getting fidgety. Well, maybe being trapped under a table somewhere where he knew people would be worse he guessed. No one knew him here so he might as well crawl out and run. But he was not that desperate yet, for now he would just stay put and hope that this table wouldn't get seated.

But of course this was his lucky day and soon he heard footsteps closing in over the chatter of the now crowded restaurant. He stiffened as he heard the deep male voice guiding the guests to his table. It had a heavy French accent.

"And a rose for the charming young _mademoiselle._"

He knew that voice anywhere, what the bloody hell was Francis doing here in a small British village? _Oh god don't let him find me like this._ He felt a blush spread across his face at the mere thought. If that happened he would simply have to kill himself, his pride as a gentleman would be brutally slaughtered he could see no other alternative.

Unless… he killed Francis before the frog let anyone else know. He slapped himself mentally. He was getting ahead of himself; he would just go along with whatever happened from now on. He was way too tired and old to be blamed for his own actions at this point he thought bitterly.

"Get your filthy hands off her or I'll shoot you," another familiar voice snarled breaking his train of thought. Why was Vash here too? Was this some kind of gathering? He flinched as a chair under his table was drawn out and Francis asked Lili to sit down.

"Sacre bleu! Calm down and put away that gun, mon chéri. Here are your menus," Francis' soothing voice exclaimed and Vash's legs joined Lili's in the Brit's cramped hiding place. Arthur looked up only to see the Swiss putting his gun back in its place on his belt.

The gun really was big. It was humongous. Arthur didn't see how he could go around carrying that thing everywhere because it looked really heavy. The shear weight of it seemed to be enough to throw anyone off balance. Maybe it was made of some really light metal like aluminium. But it had to be hard too to withstand Vach's tendency to shoot everywhere and always like a maniac. Maybe it was fairy metal, he had heard of that from his friends. But where would the Swiss get that? No, perhaps it just looked that big from the queer position he was in. The gun glistened in the dim light that seeped in under the tablecloth making the patterns on the gun prominent. Flowers and vines winded themselves around the huge pipe and on the gun's sides. It must have been a real hassle to make it. Arthur all of a sudden got a notion to touch it. He reached up hesitantly avoiding the angry gunman's legs and stroked the pipe carefully along a silver vine with his index finger. The metal was cold under his touch and he shivered in his light clothing. It truly was a really big gun. Arthur had seen many guns in his life but this was the biggest and the most beautiful one. He circled his finger around the petals of a flower, cold as ice but stunning with its wealth of details. He let his finger trail further up towards the gleaming trigger. Was it loaded? Well, Vash must always have it loaded with all the shooting he did. He hoped that it at least was secured because it was pointing straight at him. Large as the gun was it was sure to make some damage if it hit him at this close range. He retracted his hand with a start when Vash's legs shifted. What was he doing? He was trapped here half naked and he had no time to think of guns, even if they were exceptionally beautiful.

Arthur looked around to see if there was any way he could sneak away, instead he found himself staring into the eyes of a small fairy. She beamed a smile at him and wordlessly handed him a round leaf with some kind of white powder on. He took it and examined it; he had absolutely no clue what it was. The fairy had vanished into thin air when he looked up to consult her. What was he supposed to do with it? Eat it? He saw something fairylike sparkle pink in the corner of his vision and turned around on his hands and knees to face Vach's sister. Lili screamed overhead and a crimson liquid started to flow down her already red dress. The trapped Englishman widened his eyes and scooted away on the floor as much as he could as she stood up. The Swiss on the other side also hastily rose from his seat to aid her.

"Oh no, are you okay? We'll go to the bathroom and see if we can clean it up before it leaves a stain," the older brother's concerning voice said and then muttered "and the free wine we got from Francis, what a waste…"

Arthur heard the steps depart and fetched a heavy sigh, Lili didn't seem to have come to any harm. This was his chance; he just had to figure out what to make of it. He looked down on the forgotten fairy dust in his hand.

A blond mop of hair popped out from under a table but concealed by a chair. A hand followed and slipped the powder into the glass of water that stood next to a breadbasket. The white stuff quickly dissolved and the hand disappeared under the tablecloth again. He had made it. No one had seen him and he slumped back on the floor as comfortable he could get in the cramped space. Now all he could do was wait, he had no idea what would happen when Vash drank it but the fairy had helped him get them away so he supposed that she wanted him to do something.

"If we dye it darker the stain won't be visible" a male voice said announcing the return of the siblings.

"I'll just sew new clothes, I want clothes that look just like yours!"

"Are you sure that's such a good idea? You already cut your hair so short…"

They sat down at the table again and Arthur made himself as small as possible hugging his naked legs with his arms still terrified of being found in this peculiar situation. Then he saw another pair of feet approaching the table. They stopped and he heard someone cough painfully like the person was being turned inside out for every new attack.

"_Sumimasen_ Vash-san, –_cough_- could you lend me _–cough- _some water? I seem to have_ –cough-_ something in my throat." Well this was not really turning out like the Brit had planned but it was not really like he had a very elaborate plan so he didn't care. But why the bloody hell was Kiku here too? He heard Vash answering that he could of course and the Japanese man gulping down the water. When he had finished drinking he made a very strange noise at the back of his throat. Arthur watched in awe as the man collapsed on the floor next to his hiding place and poured out the contents of his stomach on the floor. Kiku tried to get up again but another convulsion hindered him and the half naked under the table man covered his ears to shut out the sound of spluttering.

"Are you okay Kiku? …No I can see you are clearly not" Vash said hesitating and, like other people coming over to see what was happening, standing at some distance from the puking man. He was sick again one last time and then sat up a bit panting and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

"I think it's over now." His voice was hoarse and he began to stand very slowly, wobbling a bit. Arthur heard someone run to his side to support him. Then another fountain burst from his mouth making all the feet Arthur could see take a step back as the Japanese man fell yet again to the floor. The stench in the restaurant was at this point nearly unbearable and the blond under the table covered his own mouth afraid that he would join the poor man's fate. What the bloody hell had that fairy wanted? What if he had taken the powder himself? He shuddered at the thought. Kiku had passed out in his own puke and was laying facing away from him with his black hair in the pool he was resting on.

Bollocks, what was wrong with this day? The Brit then noticed something that made getting out from his current cover a very pressing matter; a see-through yellow green fluid was advancing towards him as the Japanese mans pool spread.

* * *

So there it is, the first chapter! I had a real good time writing it because I let go of everything and just wrote. Sorry Arthur for torturing you but for some reason it was FUN! And sorry if he was a bit OOC I wanted the story to move forward so I couldn't have him stopping and sulking somewhere! ^^'

So me and two friends made a list of things that would be obscene and weird and perhaps incredibly fun and awesome but still obscene to have in a fanfic…and of course then we had to do it. I got challenged to have three things in this fanfic from that list (a cookie for the one who figures what 8D) and then the next person will have to continue from where I left off...I am such an ass, sorry for leaving it there, mate! \(^7^)/


End file.
